cricket

I'm lost you know.
last night was awful, what you did was awful. I spent the better half of the night so happy becuase for my last night before i go,it seemed you were for a night not destroying yourself in the party but spending it with me, I thought that there was still a heart in you, and that you were lost to me, I had hope and joy for the future, I was looking forward to a great night of laughs before I go, before I don't see you for a while.

And then you went out.
you never even bothered to cancel on me, you left me worried, and then when I found out you were safe and had chosen the chemical embrace, and the company of those transitory smiles, I was distraught. It made me realise just how lost your are to me, just how cold you were now, just how strong your chose to live in the moments tempest following fragile delight, moments to moment, you'd truly handed other any sense of real matters, this harlot of the floating world, just wanted to work, save party, get wrecked and get laid... there was no love, no beauty no purity..... to most you probably became much cooler, hell you've become again, what I thought you were when I first met you, what you became last time we broke up.I can't watch it.

I think maybe there are two natures to you, the side I love, the one that loves the forest, wants to travel, sits and stares at sunsets, loves deepley, the side that cries, has heart and is brimming with emotion, and the side that wants to live, make every moment a happy one, embrace the desires and flow from false joy to false joy, the side you call liberty, It seems maybe that for you, when we were together, your liberty was trapped, and without me you could embrace it, but you've done it so completly, it's killed the other side of you. the side that cares about me.

Last night, realising that I was just some occasional trinket to you, reliasing just how dead to you I was, for the first time in my life, I wanted to die.sure I've handed my life over to chance, done silly things, but last night, I wanted to die. I could live not being your lover, becuase I believe that we are destined, that one day you're eyes would open again, you'd bring your self out of the beautiful darkness, and I wanted to improve myself and be around for that day, and I hope your eyes feel on me.... now I don't know, it feels like there is nothing in you, no true compassion, no care no love, and thats why I sat there in the candlelight dark, destroying myself, why my left wrist is a star spangled with the points the scalpel went in, why stokign the blade down my arm, has left those lines, tempting myself, begging for a slip and a real cut. why my right arm is scattered with criss crossed lines.

I don't know why I'm here to be honest, maybe it's becuase the scalpel was the one from the circle scarfication and was a tad blunt, maybe it was my mother, or belife that times will pass, or disliking the whole notion of suicide, but to be honest I think the fear won over.

And then you called. I tried to say soft words, ask you to come around, but all I got was "I'm fucking high and I don't want to spend my time talking to YOU" the you was as cold as ice.

And the I called you, it was cold and down to the point from you, I tried to tell you that this was my last night in swansea, maybe the last night I'd see you in forever, you cut me down, your last words to me? "fuck off"...... fuck off.

A part of me died in that moment.

When we broke up, you said we'd be friends, that we'd get over it and move on, and I truly belived you I tried, and then you fucked the guy who was more or less my best friend, on what I thought we're my last nights in swansea you were in bed with him, you'd started hanging over my house, and didnt even bother to say hello, you acted cold as ice with me, told me I couldn't hang out in gatherings, left me completly alien, and the breif moments I spent with you were accidental meetings or becuase I asked and asked and asked.

I knew if I kept shtum, and put up with stuff, never vented or got upset, you'd like me more, we'd get along and I'd get you willing company, if I held silence, but I couldn't I'm a passionate person and you were destroying me, and so in your eyes I've become the pathetic ex, the emo who's a big joke, and it's not the case, I'm just.christ I just don't know anymore.

I hope you look back some day, realise how you were to me, and I hope it hurts.
This all comes flooding back,I hope you find your heart again, I hope you shed a tear, and I hope more than anything else, you say sorry.

you never even said sorry for any of this.

So I'm going, atleast for a while, and then back in swansea, I wont chase you, you'll hear nothing from me. it's four weeks, I hope I can survive four weeks in the city thats become the death of everything thats beautiful about you, and after that. I'm gone,I wont be back in the time your here. I'll travel the world for a while.

I'll give luke your shit, please give the tripod, it's uni's and I need to give it back.

I've loved you for seven years, since that very first moment, and I'll continue to love you, always. but while your like this, I can't know you. I won't survive much more of it.

I pray for that moment, weeks, months years away, when you are alive again, you have heart again, and our faults are behind us.

I still don't understand why we split up to be honest, did you really just run becuase you thought I wanted to rutt? becuase you put it in your mind you didn't care about me? you were completly loving until that last week... is a week all it took for you to decide I wasn't worth it?

I wanted to travel with you, see the world with you. I had two singles to cambodia, money and a wedding band. I was fixing the little things like collecting "shiny things", my laxzy podge and my love of this computer and the interwebs, I was cutting myself from my shallow joys, and looking forward to the greatest life I could imagine, the world with you.

At a moments notice I'd take it up.
the moment you want the world, we can go.
you just need to have heart.
you have my heart, and my mind forever, no one else will ever cross my lips, my love is just for one.
That sounds silly and melodramtic I know, but it's what I truly feel.

screw it. I'll finish, you have no care to hear my words, or let me speak my heart or hell to even see me.
so you wont.

Goodbye my love, I hope this isn't the end.
Till next time.

Find your beauty again my damashenka.

I love you.

Anthony